On marriage, Part 2: Going with the flow

The parable of the river creatures in Richard Bach’s Illusions, and the wisdom of letting go, is at the heart of Taoist philosophy, which I have found extremely useful in navigating my life and relationships. It is often misunderstood as a passive acceptance of whatever life throws at us, but letting go and going with the flow is anything but passive. Rather, it is being attentive to the swirling currents, to the white-water rapids and still ponds, the waterfalls and estuaries. The Taoist way is the way of listening, of tuning into life’s changes, and being ready to change in response.

There is Taoist wisdom in the saying: People think forever, is to be unchanging. To be unchanging is to break, is to wear down to nothing trying to hold onto what was.

The key message here is that successful and fulfilling relationships are not static; they change in response to life’s challenges and opportunities; they change as each person learns and grows; they constantly morph to keep a dynamic balance, the swirling opposites of yin and yang in an eternal dance that joins together light and dark, hard and soft, masculine and feminine, the force of will and the power of acceptance.

The tai-chi symbol is a fitting image for the rings we exchange when we marry. Circles have always represented wholeness and eternity, but I think a Taoist view brings the dynamic element. I tried to capture this – and other ideas – in the poem I wrote for [name] for our wedding. It’s a creative take on the traditional wedding vows. The poem is called ‘With This Ring’.

I like the idea that marriage is a commitment to freedom – to explore new vistas together. It is not, and never should be, a prison, or a burden. It should free us to be ourselves, together. It enables us to discover more of who we are, through the eyes of our partner. It is not a promise to be someone else who lives up to others’ expectations, nor is it a vow to be perfect, or unchanging. It is simply a commitment to be together, where being covers the full spectrum of who we are and how we are, from our mundane (and often irritating) habits to our sacred capacity for love, for putting others’ needs first and for caring deeply.

Marriage is a heartfelt intention to share the fullness of our being with another person, who wishes to do the same. It means accepting each other with all our faults and fabulousness.