Love grows

When I was young, I found the ‘L’ word a bit scary, at least in terms of romantic love. With the possible exception of sex, there are few other words that are more hyped, used and abused than love. I guess that is what intimidated me. I was reticent to say ‘I love you’, because I thought that implied something bigger, more serious and more mysterious than I could admit to feeling. Maybe it’s a boy/man thing, but to me, love was an unfathomable, unreachable ideal; not to be trifled with at any rate.

I see things very differently now – as I’ll explain – but one belief hasn’t changed. In fact, it has only strengthened over the years. Simply put, I believe love grows. We may feel an instant connection with someone (‘love at first sight’) and that comes with ecstatic emotions, but it is only the first blush of love. Deep love takes time. It’s like the difference between the first page of a novel – which may be dramatic, or exciting, or pleasurable – and the depth of feeling and complexity that emerges with each successive chapter.

This may sound obvious. What is less obvious is the twisted path, fraught with contradictory emotions, dead-ends, summit highs of joy and valley lows of despair. Love is many things, but simple is not one of them; at least in my experience. The other less obvious thing about love is its corollary. Just as we grow deeper into love, it is quite possible to fall harder out of love. The truth is that unconditional love is for the saints. For us mere mortals, love is always conditional. It depends on mutual respect, on constant nurturing and frequent compromise. When a relationship becomes in any way one-sided, when power is unbalanced, or when neglect and abuse creep in, love withers and dies.

These things I believed when I was young, but it has taken me years to experience them, complete with pain and ecstasy, heart-ache and heart-glow. But here’s the thing that has taken me by surprise: love is a million star-bursts, rather than one gigantic radiant sun; love is a multitude of flower blooms, rather than a towering ancient oak tree. If we become obsessed with the ‘myth’ (i.e. narrative) of ‘one true love’, we risk missing the countless expressions of love. Just like the metaphor of the many names and many faces of God, love manifests in an infinite number of ways.

When I look back at my life, and especially at all the relationships I’ve had, from friendships and romances to family and marriages, there is love in every single one. Each expression of love was different, but no better or worse than another. These days, I am no longer afraid of naming love. It is no longer a holy grail. Rather it is a realisation of the goodness in connecting with others on a variety of levels. It is a feeling of affection – almost literally a warm glow – when I think of someone I have shared some part of my life with. Love is appreciating the worth of another.