Redefining success

Here’s what I’ve learned about success and achievement. First, the desire to achieve is human; in fact, it is one of the existential drives from which we get our satisfaction. Achievement builds self-confidence, opens opportunities and reinforces belief in our own abilities – all of which usually lead to more achievement. It works as a self-reinforcing loop, which can act as a very positive force in our life. So it is good to strive, good to work hard, good to achieve and good to feel or receive the rewards of success. But we should never define success too narrowly.

The truth is that nobody except me cares about what my grades were at school (I got an A aggregate), nor how well I did in my subjects at university (some good, some bad; I even failed one subject). They were stepping stones that allowed me to make the next move. So what I found out is that each set of achievements was only useful to convince the gatekeeper (to the next place I wanted to go) to open the gate. Once I was through the gate, only my current achievements mattered. What I realised is that no single achievement got me to where I wanted to go; and no single failure prevented me from my chosen path.

The second thing I learned about success is that it is a moving target. In my 20s, writing and having a book published was one of my ambitions. In a few days, on 1 June, my 23rd book will be published. So clearly my goals must have changed. As humans, we are never satisfied – and that’s a good thing. Our desire to reach, to learn, to strive and to achieve is what gives us energy in life; what fuels our daily efforts to keep going. At the same time, knowing that success is completely subjective, and will keep changing, somehow takes the pressure off. It means we can set goals – whether in work, or studies, or relationships – knowing that they are a means to an end. And the end is to live a meaningful life.

There are some – especially in the Eastern philosophies like Buddhism – that say we’ve got it all wrong in the West; that this desire for achievement, our goal directedness, is the very reason for our discontent. They say that we should not be striving, but rather being; we should not be chasing dreams, but rather accepting reality. I think there is wisdom in these ideas too. That’s probably why I like Taoism so much, because it seeks to reconcile the opposites; to resolve the tension between being and doing; between active and passive; between desire and contentment. Invariably I find, whenever people give us ‘either/or’ perspectives, the wiser view is ‘both/and’.

The third and final thing I learned about success – and this is a lesson I continue to learn – is that it should ultimately be a measure of how well we have pursued the things we value most. If we value material choice and comfort, let that be the measure. If we value knowledge, let learning be the measure. If we value adventure and discovery, let travel and new experiences be the measure. If we value nature and beauty, let time spent outdoors and appreciating art be the measure. If we value family and friends, let intimacy and love be the hallmarks of our success.

So long as we know what we value – and do not let others dictate the yardstick by which our life should be measured – I am confident we will always enjoy personal success. Not that we will always achieve what we set out to achieve, but we will always find a way to get closer to the things that are important to us. It will not be easy, because the world is full of people and institutions trying to tell us what we should be achieving. It takes strength and courage to know when to follow their advice, and when to lead from our own inner knowing; when to bend and when to stand firm. Success, then, becomes the ability to remain true to ourselves.